THEM

 

 

BY

 

TIM PAPE

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Copyright 2007

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The stage is set up like a small restaurant. A sign hangs on one side of the stage and reads “Main Street Bistro.”

 

The restaurant looks disheveled with some of the chairs knocked over.

 

The back wall is a large glass window. The window isn’t clear but white so that light and shadows get through but not distinct images.

 

Behind the window there is a bright light.

 

A number of human forms pound on the window (The Zombies) and make GROANING noises throughout the play.

 

The Zombie silhouettes never stop moving and create an eerie shadow puppet like atmosphere to the back of the stage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SCENE: Main Street Bistro

 

 

BUTCH, 27, good-looking in a blond guy sort of way, sits at one of the high top tables staring at the ceiling.

 

TERRY, 22, very attractive, with curly blond hair and a tough exterior, looks through her purse.

 

AMY, 24, classically pretty with dark brown hair, sits on the ground reading a book.

 

ROSEMARY, 29, an alpha female type with her hair pulled up, eats something out of a bowl and glances towards the window (and the Zombies).

 

TERRY puts the purse down and walks off stage. She comes back a second later with a Monopoly board game.

 

BUTCH sees the Monopoly game and rolls his eyes.

 

BUTCH: I don’t want to play Monopoly again.

 

TERRY: Why? You won the last time Butch.

 

AMY: And the game before that.

 

BUTCH: And the game before that. And the one before that. And the one before that. You guys are bad at Monopoly.

 

TERRY: I resent that. Are you saying girls are bad at Monopoly cause we’re bad with money?

 

BUTCH: (motions towards ROSEMARY) Um no Terry. Rosemary owns a million dollar upscale dining restaurant that used to employ me to cook for it, and the two of you, until Zombies started coming back to life and trapped us in here, remember?

 

ROSEMARY: I do.

 

BUTCH: You’re all just bad at Monopoly. Getting all the Railroads will never, ever, ever be the way to win the game.

 

TERRY: But there’s one on every side.

 

AMY: Plus you pull cards that force you to go to them.

 

BUTCH: The game is about purchasing land. Not utilities and transportation.

 

ROSEMARY: Whatever, you just get lucky.

 

BUTCH: Of course.

 

TERRY: If we had Risk I’d show you who was boss.

 

BUTCH: Naturally. World domination is much easier than real estate development.

 

TERRY: I always try to get Park Place and Boardwalk.

 

BUTCH: That’s 2 squares. That’s like controlling California in Risk and letting everyone else have the rest of the world.

 

TERRY: Why you gotta be so mean just cause you’re so good at Monopoly?

 

BUTCH: Oh my God. I’m having another drink.

 

(BUTCH walks off stage.)

 

TERRY: He’s wrong about the Railroads.

 

AMY: Totally.

 

(BUTCH comes back with a bottle of Jim Beam, which he drinks.)

 

BUTCH: Maybe I can drink myself to death before they break in and eat us.

 

AMY: Do you think they’ll break in?

 

ROSEMARY: Eventually.

 

BUTCH: I think we should feel lucky. Unlike those people outside, we got a few more days... maybe weeks. At least we get to spend it stocked with booze and food and some of my favorite people.

 

   (BUTCH takes a huge swig of his bottle.)

 

ROSEMARY: I’m surprised the dead didn’t come back to life sooner. With all the shit going on in the world. Africa. Iraq. 9/11. Columbine. AIDS. Katrina. Earthquakes in Asia. The Stock Market. Reality TV. Mad Cow Disease. The Bird Flu. Canadians.

 

BUTCH: It was all fucking going to hell.

 

AMY: I don’t think so.

 

BUTCH: Well we’re not escaping. We have one rickety old hand gun that may or may not work. We have a broken baseball bat. And a boogie board. And some knives.

 

TERRY: I still say if we stick a bunch of knives through the boogie board we’d have a sick knife shield.

 

   (Everyone else shakes their head.)

 

TERRY: Whatever.

 

   (Silence.)

 

AMY: I’m afraid to die. I don’t know why more people don’t say that. I was afraid to die before any of this. But I guess now that its close it’s too close not to say it. Its kind of like being in love I guess.

 

BUTCH: Oh my Gosh. Let me get out my violin.

 

AMY: Sorry I’m scared.

 

ROSEMARY: Don’t be sorry. We’re all scared. He’s scared too. Why do you think he makes all the jokes?

 

TERRY: Duh. He’s probably the most scared cause he knows he’ll die first.

 

BUTCH: What’s that suppose to mean?

 

ROSEMARY: What do you think? When we run out of food we’ll have to eat one of us. And the gentlemanly thing to do would be to let us eat you.

 

BUTCH: Yeah I guess you’re right.

 

AMY: Won’t he turn into one of those things if we kill him?

 

ROSEMARY: Not if we slice him off at the neck and destroy the brain. At least that’s what they do in all the movies.

 

BUTCH: Whoa. I thought we were kidding about the eating thing.

 

ROSEMARY: Well not totally.

 

BUTCH: I’m the chef. If anyone should go last it should be me. I could make each of you spindly wenches taste good.

 

ROSEMARY: That’s just it. We’re all too skinny. It wouldn’t make sense.

 

BUTCH: Have you already talked about this?

 

TERRY: A little. It’s that or you go for help. Or a car.

 

BUTCH: So one way or another, you get one last use out of me.

 

ROSEMARY: Pretty much.

 

BUTCH: Well if and when it comes to me going for helping, you’re all sleeping with me before I go, both to convince me to go, and potentially help restart the human civilization if I die.

 

TERRY: So you’re saying if we have a foursome with you, you’ll try and find help?

 

BUTCH: Yeah I guess. I’d rather do it one last time before I die.

 

TERRY: Who says you’re going to die?

 

ROSEMARY: Oh come on. He’s got like one in a million chance of not getting eaten alive much less finding help for us. We’re all gonna die. It’s just a matter of how soon.

 

BUTCH: What I think is hilarious is that with all the shit on the TV last Tuesday, we all showed up for work before we got trapped in. Nothing stops the machine. Not even roaming Zombies. I mean I can understand Rosemary coming in; it’s her place, but the three of us. Just stay in line till there isn’t one.

 

AMY: Why did you come then?

 

BUTCH: I had nothing else to do.

 

TERRY: I wonder what it must be like to eat human flesh?

 

ROSEMARY: Beef tartar?

 

BUTCH: Or sushi?

 

TERRY: Maybe if you’re Asian.

 

ROSEMARY: Aww. That’s just bad.

 

AMY: I’ve never had sushi.

 

TERRY: You’re going to die without ever having sushi? That’s so sad.

 

AMY: Well I still hope someone comes to save us.

 

ROSEMARY: Me too.

 

BUTCH: Oh come on. Like who? Batman?

 

AMY: If we stop hoping that we’ll be rescued, or that they’ll all just go back to being dead or that we figure a way out, then what’s the point in staying alive?

 

ROSEMARY: She’s right. Without any hope there’s no point in going on. You have to hope tomorrow will be better than today. Otherwise everyday of your life is the worst day of your life.

 

BUTCH: Well at this point I think you’d have to be insane to think tomorrow will be better than today. Especially without a shower.

 

ROSEMARY: If you don’t hope that we’ll get out of this alive Butch, then you’re already dead and you might as well use the gun and put a bullet through your head or try to escape and get help.

 

AMY: It’s not a religious or spiritual thing. It’s a survival tactic.

 

ROSEMARY: Like self-preservation. Hope is the reason anyone does anything good.

 

BUTCH: Then what makes people do bad?

 

TERRY: Hunger.

 

   (They all LAUGH.)

 

AMY: You know when they all started to rush towards the store it reminded me of that day they took Paris Hilton away to jail. Everyone swarmed her car. Did you ever see that video?

 

TERRY: I hate Paris Hilton.

 

BUTCH: You only hate Paris Hilton cause you’re jealous of her.

 

TERRY: That’s not true.

 

BUTCH: Um she’s classically beautiful without doing anything. She’s famous without doing anything. She’s rich without doing anything. You’d have to be inhuman not to be jealous. I’m jealous of her and I’m a guy.

 

TERRY: I hope the zombies ate her first.

 

BUTCH: See. Jealous. In fact she probably got away to some secret famous people hideaway in Canada that exists for disasters like this.

 

ROSEMARY: Fucking Canadians.

 

   (Everyone looks at her.)

 

ROSEMARY: What? My ex-boyfriend’s Canadian.

 

TERRY: (to BUTCH) So how come no girlfriend for you?

 

BUTCH: Oh come on. No girl could love me.

 

TERRY: (motions towards AMY) That’s not true, Amy and I have both made out with you.

 

BUTCH: Yeah. Drunk.

 

ROSEMARY: Well I have too.

 

TERRY & AMY: Really?

 

BUTCH: Well I’d like to tell you girls it’s an exclusive list.

 

TERRY: Yeah you’re probably right, what girl could love you?

 

   (They all LAUGH.)

 

BUTCH: Although it would make the foursome a little less awkward?

 

TERRY: Oh God.

 

BUTCH: Well I wasn’t planning to have the three girls I’ve made out with all be working together the same day Zombies decided to come back from the dead and trap us in here. But it did work out that way.

 

ROSEMARY: Keep dreaming.

 

BUTCH: Well I tried.

 

(Awkward pause. Everyone slowly looks over at the window and then back at each other.)

 

BUTCH: Well fuck, if we’re gonna die in here anyways, then I’ve got to get something off my chest that I’ve never told anyone else. Yeah one of those things. Anyway, when I was 14 I stole my older brother’s surfboard one morning. It was like his favorite board and no one else was allowed to ride it. Period. Anyway, he was a senior when I was a freshman, so one night he went out real late and I knew he wouldn’t be getting up to surf the next day, so I snagged his board and went out.

 

   (Everyone is now listening closely.)

 

It was still to this day the single best surfing day of my life. The water wasn’t too cold. Sun was bright bright orange. No one else on the beach. On my last ride in, I lost control and somehow snapped the board in half. Right in half. I freaked out and threw it under the pier and ran. I never told him. I took it and he never accused me but he had to know I did it. I mean we kept the boards in the backyard, so someone coulda jumped the fence and took it but he had to have known. And he never said a thing. Just, “Fuck. My board’s gone. That sucks.” And 2 weeks later he got killed in some random car accident. No drunk driver or anything. Some guy just blew a red and smashed right into him. Died instantly. Even worse than me never being able to tell him I’m sorry, and Lord knows I wish I could, is knowing that he didn’t get to ride his favorite board the last 2 weeks of his life thanks to me. He used to say, “Who needs a girlfriend when you got a board like this.” I thought that was so cool. I mean you can’t stop death; it comes when it does, like with us, but I felt guilty every time I paddled out on a nice morning thinking about the guy that taught me how to surf. Almost stopped me from surfing but he woulda hated that. Anyway, thanks for letting me say that.

 

TERRY: Wow, you’re like a real person underneath.

 

BUTCH: Ha.

 

TERRY: I’ve kind of got one too. We all went to Napa for the weekend for my older sister’s engagement party. Yes a whole weekend. On the second night I cornered my sister’s fiancée Todd and started making out with him. Originally I thought I did it just because I hated Todd. He was so smarmy and cocky. Just a total dickhead. And he had terrible hair. I thought maybe if I hooked up with him I could show my sister how much of a schmuck he was. I was drunk and wanted to see if he’d kiss me. And he did. A lot. He started putting his hand up my shirt and then said he’d always thought I was hotter than my sister. And that’s where it stopped. That’s all I wanted. I wanted him to admit I was prettier, no hotter, than my sister. Pretty sick, huh?

 

(BUTCH takes a swig of the whiskey. ROSEMARY takes it next and drinks some out of the bottle.)

 

TERRY: I mean I’d always been jealous of her and she loved to brag about getting married and being so happy. So the more I thought about it I realized I just wanted to see if I could have ended it all for her. And I probably could have. I told Todd, that I would never kiss him again and that if he mentioned what happened I would say he tried to rape me. I used to give him this nasty look like, “Your marriage is a joke, you woulda fucked my brains out.” I think deep down I just wanted to think that I was the best and that me always being single was my choice because I could have any guy I wanted, even my sister’s husband, but the truth is, I’ve never met anyone that really interested me or anyone that mad me feel special. And now I’m gonna die without that. I never really though about it but it must have been hell for Todd at every family thing. I just thought it was funny but he must have been so embarrassed. I guess in a way that was my wedding gift to my sister. I let her have her wedding and I gave her a husband too pathetic to ever leave her.

 

AMY: That’s so sad.

 

ROSEMARY: Well I don’t think either of yours could have gotten you thrown in jail.

 

BUTCH: And yours could have?

 

ROSEMARY: Should have. It was during the first few months the restaurant was open. We got a call right after a shipment from Mark’s Meats that all the beef and steak was probably bad. They told us to toss it all and even gave us a full credit and a half for the shipment but I never said anything and let us serve it. Butch even asked me cause he thought the ground beef smelled funny and I said “Its fine. I don’t care what it smells like. Cook it till doesn’t smell anymore.” We were in the red that whole year and for some reason I thought we were getting a lucky break. A lucky break... Like two and a half orders for the price of one. I can’t believe that I risked giving food poisoning to the very few customers we had back then. It was like punishing their loyalty. I knew most of the regulars’ names even then. And the kids. I served children that meat. Nobody ever got sick, thank God, but every now and again I’ll sit at home, in the bathroom usually, and cry thinking how I became the one thing I hated so much in the world. The reason I started my own restaurant in the first place. Just another monster. I guess its only fair that I should be eaten like a hamburger myself.

 

AMY: Don’t say that.

 

TERRY: We could always kill ourselves. Not give them the pleasure.

 

BUTCH: I don’t think they get any pleasure out of it.

 

TERRY: Well then deprive them of the food.

 

BUTCH: Well I ain’t burning myself to a crisp. That’s about the only way to prevent it.

 

TERRY: Naturally cause Amy is the quiet and shy one, she probably has the worst story.

 

AMY: I do actually.

 

TERRY: Knew it.

 

AMY: I don’t think I feel comfortable talking about it though.

 

BUTCH: Come on Am, how many people have you ever told?

 

AMY: None.

 

ROSEMARY: Well then it must be a good one.

 

BUTCH: Come on Amy.

 

TERRY: Did you kill someone?

 

AMY: Almost.

 

TERRY: Really?

 

AMY: Yes.

 

ROSEMARY: Well now you gotta tell.

 

BUTCH: Seriously.

 

AMY: My dad used to hit my Mom. Never me. Just my mom. He used to scream at her and ask why she wasn’t as perfect as me. He’d point at me and hit her. This was when I was eleven. It didn’t even make sense to me. I didn’t even get good grades. One day I walked into the room while my dad was hitting her. Walked right behind him and stabbed him in the small of his back with a cutting knife. Before he could turn I stabbed him again. I remember thinking it felt like stabbing jelly. I remember being so mad at him. But I was even madder, as I kept stabbing, at my mom for letting him hit her all the time. She never put up a fight. She never screamed back. Just took it. And I just started crying as I kept stabbing him. Mad at how mad I was at my mom and my dad. Mad that I had to watch them fight. So mad I wanted to see them die. My dad looked at me shocked and just fell to the ground with all these red dots in his white t-shirt.

 

   (AMY takes a sip of her water bottle.)

 

AMY: He just looked up at me and I spit in his face as he passed out. I turned to my mom and said, “See.” He was in the hospital for almost a month. When he got out he acted like nothing had ever happened. He never hit my mom again. Never said anything about what happened. Just moved on.

 

   (Pause.)

 

AMY: And my mom never spoke to me ever again. To this day. Never looked me in the face. Never acknowledged when I was in the same room. My dad just let her be. Never tried to force her to interact with me. Just sort of accepted it. Do you know what its like to become a teenage girl without being able to talk to your mom? Especially when she was there all the time. Right there. Like a ghost. And slowly I started to hate my dad for letting her do it. Letting her hurt me. Right in front of him. I guess it was better than him hitting her.

 

   (Pause.)

 

AMY: Probably makes more sense to everyone now why I went to boarding school.

 

   (Every waits for a second and then LAUGHS.)

 

TERRY: Jesus. That’s not bad at all. You’re a hero.

 

AMY: Not really.

 

ROSEMARY: You saved your mom’s life.

 

AMY: I still stabbed someone.

 

ROSEMARY: Sometimes it’s hard to see good.

 

AMY: I guess.

 

BUTCH: They’re right. For someone who knows so much about hope, you don’t give yourself enough credit.

 

AMY: I’ve been holding that in for a long time.

 

BUTCH: Well I think someone deserves a shot of Grandma for that story.

 

AMY: Oh. That stuff’s so gross.

 

BUTCH: That’s why it’s so good.

 

AMY: Okay. I’ll do one.

 

TERRY: So is that what we’re gonna do? Just sit around here drinking and getting fucked up till they find a way in here? That doesn’t seem very manly Butch.

 

BUTCH: Hey whenever you’re all ready to go out in a blaze of glory, I’m in. I was just trying to keep you three company. I mean you think I enjoy listening to that all day and night (motions towards window). I mean I know our time here isn’t going to be much longer, but what can we do? We’ve tried to call for help. We’ve tried to come up with an escape plan. We’re safe for now. But its gonna happen. You’re right. They are going get us. And probably soon. And if the TVs were right, they’re gonna eat us and rip us from limb to limb.

 

ROSEMARY: So that’s it?

 

   (BUTCH looks around the room.

 

   AMY looks down.)

 

BUTCH: Fuck it. You’re right. I’ll go.

 

ROSEMARY: What?

 

BUTCH: I’ll go before it’s too late. I guess it might already be too late but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t go. Fuck, I’m tougher than I look. I might even make it. Let me see the gun and the bat.

 

   (TERRY grabs broken bat.)

 

TERRY: I’ll go too. I don’t want to wait to die any more. I’ll go out swinging. Literally. If we weren’t all so scared that would have been funny.

 

AMY: I’ll go too. I guess I’ll go get some knives and the boggie board.

 

   (Everyone LAUGHS.)

 

ROSEMARY: Why the hell not? I think if you stick a rag in a bottle of Jack Daniels and light it, it becomes like a bomb.

 

BUTCH: A Molotov cocktail.

 

ROSEMARY: Okay.

 

BUTCH: That’s what it’s called. I think only the 151 would actually work.

 

ROSEMARY: Oh.

 

TERRY: It’s always drinking with this one. Well if we’re gonna actually do this, then maybe we should all screw one last time. I mean if I’m going out, I’d rather go out happy.

 

AMY: I’m in.

 

ROSEMARY: Okay.

 

BUTCH: Seriously?

 

TERRY: Why not?

 

AMY: Yeah.

 

ROSEMARY: I’ve always wanted to screw one of my employees.

 

   (They all comically look at BUTCH.)

 

BUTCH: Well we all know I’m in.

 

(BUTCH starts taking his shirt off before he finishes his last line.

 

Suddenly the lights go out and there’s a loud CRASH.

 

We see and hear the shadows of the Zombies in slow Strobe light as they attack.)

 

BUTCH: Really...? Well that just sucks.

 

   (The Zombies eat everyone on stage.)